I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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