I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
