I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
