Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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