I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
