He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
she looked like the before picture.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
My vagina is very pro this idea
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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