so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
