YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
