I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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