Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
