Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
