I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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