Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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