Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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