Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
