I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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