Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
