Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
