I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
