she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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