Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
