i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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