Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
