I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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