At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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