Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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