apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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