i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize