He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
