This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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