Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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