the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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