...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
