I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
