I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
