I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
