so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize