Just fell off a train. Bad.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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