you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
