i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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