they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize