I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Just high enough for therapy.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
