If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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