need another drink. this is the easiest way
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize