i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Randomize
