My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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