Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
