sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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