apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
