he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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