youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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