So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
