whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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