C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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