she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
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