Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
