I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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